Self-Compassion Is A Strength, Not A Weakness
Self-Criticism vs. Self-Compassion: Shifting from Shame to Growth
Self-criticism is something many of us grapple with—it’s a natural response to try to push ourselves through tough moments. This mindset often involves being harsh on ourselves to stay motivated, hold ourselves accountable, and stay on alert. While it can be helpful in some situations, it can also be damaging. Imagine telling yourself, “Stop being lazy, get off the couch, and hit the gym. If you don’t work out and eat right, you’re going to gain weight and become unlikeable.” At first glance, this might push you to take care of your physical health, but it’s rooted in shame, not self-improvement. It focuses more on meeting an external standard than actually fostering long-term well-being, and when driven by fear and shame, it often leads to unhealthy behaviors.
On the other hand, self-compassion is a concept that’s increasingly being discussed as a more sustainable and balanced approach. Yet, it’s often misunderstood or dismissed as “weak” or “self-pity.” But self-compassion is about treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times. It means acknowledging your struggles without judgment. For example, let’s say I don’t hit my goal within the timeframe I set for myself. Instead of criticizing myself, I can practice self-compassion by following these steps: 1. I check in with my body to notice where I’m feeling my emotions, and try to identify what I’m actually feeling—whether it’s frustration, disappointment, or something else. 2. I create space for those emotions, acknowledging them without judgment. I might tell myself something like, “It’s okay to feel disappointed that things didn’t go as planned. You’ve made progress, and you’ve shown up for yourself. Now, what can you learn from this experience to keep moving forward, since this goal is important to you?” If offering yourself compassion feels challenging, try imagining a close friend or loved one going through a similar stressful situation. What would you tell them? Then, direct that same kindness and understanding toward yourself.
The more we practice self-compassion, the better we become at tuning into our emotions and understanding what’s really going on inside us. By being kind to ourselves in moments of discomfort, we start to build a stronger connection with our feelings. This, in turn, helps us advocate for our needs more effectively, because we’re already showing up for ourselves with understanding and care when things get tough. It’s like building a foundation of support that allows us to navigate challenging situations with more confidence and self-awareness.
The Impact of Childhood Experiences on Self-Compassion
A lot of our ability to practice self-compassion can be traced back to our childhood experiences, and this is especially true when it comes to how we were raised. If your parents modeled self-compassion, you might find it easier to show yourself the same kindness. For example, if you failed an exam as a child and your parents responded with something like, “I can see that this exam was difficult for you, and we’re here to support you. What kind of help would be most helpful right now? Do you think we should look into a tutor, or would you prefer we work through the material together?” — this approach reinforces the idea that failure is a part of life, and you can handle it with the right support and compassion.
But even if you had a generally supportive upbringing, there are other factors that can impact your ability to give yourself compassion. For instance, relationships with peers, friends, or intimate partners also play a significant role. If you’ve been in emotionally abusive relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, your self-esteem may have been eroded over time. This can make it harder to extend compassion toward yourself because you’ve internalized negative messages or learned to ignore your own needs.
However, it’s important to remember that no matter the past, it’s possible to rebuild your ability to show yourself compassion. You can reclaim your sense of worth by learning that you are deserving of kindness, especially from yourself. It may take time, but by recognizing your own value and taking steps to heal, you can gradually reintegrate self-compassion into your life. It’s about rediscovering that power and practicing it daily, even when it feels hard.
If you grew up with strict parents who used corporal punishment or harsh criticism, it’s understandable why self-compassion might be especially difficult. As a child, you might have heard things like, “You’re a disappointment. You need to do better. We expect more from you, and if you can’t meet those expectations, you’ll never go anywhere. You’re going to be a failure.” Hearing this kind of messaging repeatedly can deeply affect your sense of self-worth.
This kind of environment can lead to two common responses: On one hand, you might become a perfectionist, constantly striving for success out of fear of failure and the shame that comes with it. This can create a cycle of anxiety, imposter syndrome, and even depression because you're always pushing yourself but never feeling like you're enough. On the other hand, it can lead to a sense of learned helplessness, where you stop trying altogether. If your parents—or anyone close to you—view you as a failure or a disappointment, you may begin to believe that others will see you the same way. Why bother trying if you already feel doomed to failure?
Both of these responses are forms of self-protection, but neither allows for self-compassion or growth. They’re coping mechanisms that were developed to survive a harsh environment, but they can make it incredibly difficult to show yourself the kindness and understanding that you truly need. Healing from this involves unlearning those old messages and replacing them with the belief that you are worthy of compassion, regardless of your achievements or failures. It’s not easy, but with time, support, and self-awareness, it’s possible to break the cycle and build a more nurturing relationship with yourself.
The Dangers of Shame-Based Motivation: Why It Doesn’t Last
Shame-based motivation often leads to all-or-nothing thinking, where you either go all in on a goal or fall into complete inaction—or worse, self-destructive behaviors. This mindset creates an unrealistic standard where anything less than perfection feels like failure. It might drive you to push yourself harder in some cases, but it also sets you up for burnout, frustration, and a sense of defeat when you inevitably fall short of those extreme expectations. Instead of embracing progress, you get caught in the cycle of either striving for perfection or abandoning the goal entirely.
Take Susan, for example. She commits to working out every day for 50 minutes, eating healthy, and maintaining a strict calorie deficit of 1,500 calories per day with the goal of losing 8 pounds in a month. She starts out with the plan to weigh herself weekly, but quickly finds herself stepping on the scale multiple times throughout the week, growing frustrated when the number doesn’t go down. In response, she intensifies her workouts and cuts even more calories, despite feeling hungry at times. The scale finally starts to move, and Susan feels a sense of success—but at what cost?
By the end of the month, Susan has lost the 8 pounds, but she pushes herself to continue the same routine into the next month. However, after a while, she hits a plateau, and the weight loss stalls—sometimes even reversing, as she starts gaining again. Frustrated and defeated, Susan eventually gives up, binge eats, and tells herself, “I’m not good enough. I can’t even stick to this. My body hates me.”
This pattern illustrates the problem with shame-based motivation: it relies on external validation (like the number on the scale) and punishes you when things don’t go perfectly. Eventually, this cycle leads to burnout, feelings of inadequacy, and even self-sabotage, making it difficult to maintain any lasting progress. The motivation is driven by shame, which is unsustainable and fragile. Instead of promoting lasting change, it causes you to fall off track and feel like you're never enough.
Why Self-Compassion is Essential for Sustainable Personal Growth
As discussed earlier in this blog, self-compassion is a powerful strength that helps us tune into our emotions and gain clarity on what’s really going on inside us. This emotional awareness is key to developing a healthier relationship with ourselves, nurturing resilience, and fostering emotional well-being. Unlike shame-based motivation, which often pushes us to extremes and leads to burnout, self-compassion allows us to approach goals with patience, curiosity, and flexibility. It reminds us that mistakes and setbacks are natural parts of the journey—not signs of failure or inadequacy.
Self-compassion also helps us set realistic, achievable goals that are aligned with our true values, rather than being driven by fear or the pressure to meet impossible standards. It shifts the focus from perfectionism to progress, allowing us to enjoy the process of growth without placing unnecessary pressure on ourselves. This shift in mindset makes it far easier to maintain long-term habits, make meaningful changes, and create a sustainable path forward. By showing up for ourselves with understanding and kindness, we cultivate the emotional resilience necessary for ongoing growth, even in the face of challenges.
When to Seek Professional Help
While it’s absolutely possible to recognize self-criticism and work on shifting it to self-compassion over time, there are instances where the roots of self-criticism are so deep that practicing self-compassion feels unfamiliar, or even impossible, on your own. If your inner critic is overwhelming or ingrained to the point that it’s hard to be kind to yourself, seeking professional help may be a crucial step in the process. Therapy with a licensed professional (such as an LMFT, LMSW, LPCC, PhD, or PsyD) or participating in support groups focused on self-compassion can provide you with the tools and support you need.
Seeking professional help is a powerful step toward healing, and it can make all the difference in your journey to building self-compassion and improving your emotional well-being.
